Das Leben Ist Ein Kampf

Hello everyone

I'm still here. :) We're spending a lot more time at this internet cafe than I expected. Which is fine. I guess.

On a lighter note (than my previous post) I forgot to mention that I saw The Day After Tomorrow. Yeah it was stupid. The world is in danger, lets see how America copes with the problem, and forget about Europe and the rest of the world blablablabla. Self sacrifice, patriotism and flag-waving nationalism. Great American stuff.

So yeah, don't go see that movie if you don't like American nationalism.

But on the other hand, the movie does send a very powerful/urgent message about global warming and the state of our environment. The president of the United States dies in this movie, and I think that is done by the director on purpose - sending a direct message to Washington ... They mention the Kyoto accord and a few other big environmental conferences in the movie as well. So it does raise awareness about the environment, and send a direct message to the government concerning their lack of action.

But that is quite a stretch. Most of the movie is CG (Computer Graphics), and there are so few actors, that you could count the main ones on one hand. Few good lines as well. In general a dull movie, if not for the environmental message and the President's death. (Don't think that they show any graphic and amazing death though; it happens off screen, and is reported to the Vice President when he arrives to safety. The president himself has maybe 2 or 3 lines in the movie all together.)

Overall, it is a really weak movie with stock characters and conventional character situations. Nothing surprising here.

Hmmm....

Its five A.M. Vancouver time. I'm on MSN but nobody is there to talk to me. Go figure. >_<

Things are alright again. Power struggles abound though!! Jesus, its like a freakin prison sometimes. Anyways, all we need to know is that everyone is fine again, and we're all happy.

Been having some adventures with cockroaches and rain. Driving the car a bit. Already filled a 700mb CD with pictures. I should find some kind of GIGANTIC webspace where I can upload them all. *shrug*. Maybe I'll just mail copies of the disk back to you all in Vancouver. Maybe we're just taking way too many pictures.

Not much exciting happening though. Visiting people and places like normal. I participated in some aboriginal dance thing. I have some pics of me using the "instrument". *shrug*

So things are pretty banal and normal. Its nice and warm here, my MP3 player keeps me happy, and theres no shortage of money. :) So everything is.... pretty much peachy.

I'm starting to realize the gravity of what I'm doing though. A freakin YEAR. Aiyaa. *sigh*. I think I'm going to miss everyone back home a lot soon. >_< I already think too much about home as it is. Even though everything is so interesting and new, it can only hold my attention so long. My mind starts to wander... wander back to where I used to be, and how things were... back then. You know? I'm sure you all remember.

Hmmmm.... So much has changed in the past year its almost ridiculous. I've graduated, signed a one year contract with a new company, broken up with a girl who I thought was "perfect" for me - and met someone new who blew away all standards of "perfection" ever conceived. *shudder*.

I found someone really, really important to me; and just as we were getting a little closer - I got up and left. Its that past that was still chasing me. The after effects of Abbrechen, and all those contradicting emotions. They caught up with me, and have flown me half across the world. Am I out here to learn? Will I learn anything new?

What can I learn in the East that I can't learn back at home? What will I find out here? My former perception of perfection was blown away completely - I have another vision of perfection in front of me every night before I go to bed now.... But she is in Vancouver as well. She is thousands of kilometers from her home as well, on an experience of a lifetime - and wants to make a home out of my home. I love my home, and want to share it with her - but how can I do that from here??! I'm now closer to her "home" (place of birth) than she is - how funny "fate" is sometimes.

Fate's probably looking down from up there - laughing.. Laughing at us and what we feel. Goddamn.

*Sigh*

But what can I do. Just continue trudging along. Continue breathing, continue experiencing. I will settle myself somewhere - eventually. Everyone needs a home. We just don't know where it will be until we've found it.

Where will I find my home?

Where will I find the people, among whom - I can be at home?

Sorry for...

The lack of updates recently. Well I'm here in Taipei. It is really crowded - businesses every which way you turn. Look here, and theres a computer shop, there - a fruit stand - there a car garage. Insane. All the ground floor rooms of the buildings are taken up by businesses, and everything from the 2nd floor up is lived in. There are no "residential" areas. People just live where ever they want.

Visited a few giant malls and that kind of thing. Was pretty boring. I mean, kinda cool for the novelty of seeing giant malls with $1000 jeans, but the novelty wears off after the second store. We've been through about eight now.

Whoop dee doo. At least I have my music with me. Its nice to be able to take a piece of "home" with me along on this trip. I'll try to post more - and some interesting stuff... but I don't know if I can pull myself to. *shrug*

Having trouble with Dav already. I need his "permission" before I do anything (although he won't admit that I need his permission, but he gets ultra pissed off if I do something before him [i.e. start eating, or take a seat at a computer] or do it without asking him first). So I'm going to aggravate him by asking him permission for everything I do for the rest of the trip. I'll make sure he knows that if he wants to be the "big boss" around here, he won't be enjoying himself.

We're supposed to be friends - who make each other feel comfortable, and "at home" in each other's homes. Not force our will upon each other just because we own the place we're staying, or something stupid like that. Its retarded.

Dav's retarded. How do you respond to something like that?

Maybe he's not really my friend. *shrug*.

Something to ponder.

Damn its been a busy

Couple of weeks. Insane busy. GEOS pre-departure training was way more fun than it should have been. It was totally awesome - I think I made some new friends - for real! Two of the people I made friends with both said that their time at the GEOS house (everyone that comes from out of town to the GEOS pre-departure training can stay at a house GEOS owns [in a really rich part of Vancouver - the place is a freakin mansion] for free while they do the pre-departure training. After the training, if they let GEOS handle the airplane ticket planning for them, they leave from Vancouver to Japan) was one of the best times in their whole lives! Some of these people are coming for very difficult backgrounds, and to see them so happy really made me feel good. It was great to be a part of a person's "happiest time". I was so lucky to be able to show them around the city and stuff while they were here. It really was great - taking B on that aquarium tour was totally worth it.

On the C front not much has changed. We still have really strong feelings for each other but theres nothing we can do. I leave on Monday at 1 a.m. and that is that. *Sigh*. What can I do. We will just have to keep in contact and do our best not to be too depressed or anything. Ideally we would both like to get back together when I come back - but that is so far away that neither of us are sure of what things will be like in a year. What will things be like? What will they be like when I get to Japan?!

I'm barely thinking about how my life will be in Japan, and only considering my arrival back in Vancouver. I have a feeling that Japan will fly by in no time - that I'll get there, and before I know it I'll be leaving. I wonder what it'll be like. How I am going to save money and what kind of decisions I am going to make. Thinking is hard on my brain.

I am super-busy packing up my life. Everything must go!! My room must be emptied out completely because it is going to be painted and refinished. The job is .... almost done. I'd say around 85% done. At the same time as emptying my room, I have to pack to leave for Japan. I am sending one box after me, and I have to figure out a way to fit everything I am taking into my luggage and that one box. What a life. Things are changing faster than I can keep track. What will happen next?!

What a wonderful

Two days with C I've had. I have come to realize that even though we are not in a relationship, I still love her. I love her surprisingly deeply. It was not about the physical attraction I have for her, even though that is still very strong as well. She is the most wonderful girl I have ever met. I told her today that many men spend their entire lives searching for the woman I have found in her. I do not believe I am leaving her behind for Japan. It is insanity - she is perfect in every way - I do not know why I am leaving her. Like I said - many people spend lifetimes looking for this person - at 22 I have already found her - and what do I do? I leave the fucking country. Amazing how life can be so bittersweet.

So what route do I choose? Do I show my love to her? Do I drop all my inhibitions and worries and just let myself fall free? That is the path I am following now - and even if I convinced myself it was the wrong one, I do not think I could stray from it. I will be honest and open with her at all times. I am not sure that she is completely honest and open with me though.

I have been musing over this since she returned from her retreat and told me that she was not ready for a relationship right now. That she did not want to be in one. I think she wants me to believe that she is not interested in me as a mate/boyfriend/partner at all, so that I can leave to Japan without any loose ends here in Vancouver. She wants me to go to Japan with a clear mind and heart, and for that to be possible, she wants me to forget about her (for now) as a girlfriend. I believe this is hard on her because she has deep feelings for me which she does not want to show. She does not want me to understand/comprehend/see the feelings she has for me, because that would cause me to fall even more in love with her - and leaving to Japan would be all the more painful (for both of us).

Thus I believe she is trying to put distance between us for "my own good". I believe that she actually really does love me, but just does not want to show it.

Then again, I could be completely wrong and she could have been totally honest with me all along. That she does not want me as a boyfriend, and is not interested in me at all romantically anymore.

*Shrug* Either way, I still love her and want to spend all my time with her. I wish I knew better what is going on in her mind. She wants to resist me, and stay away from temptation - I know this much. But since when was kissing and cuddling a sin? Since when was merely dating a sin? *Sigh* I wish I could read her mind. She gives me hints sometimes - the way she looks at me, or the way she responds when someone mentions my departure. Or the way she rhetorically asks me "why are you leaving....?"

All these hints give me the impression she cares for me the same way I care for her - except I am just more vocal about it. I wish I could read her mind and find out if she desires me as much as I desire her. I feel such a strong pull towards her whenever I see her. I want to gather her up in my arms and just hold onto her forever. I could spend a week intertwined with her limbs.

I have less than two weeks left in Vancouver.

Fate can be so cruel.....

I guess I should quickly

bang out this post before I lose it. I'm in a great mood right now, like - GREAT. I heard from C, and she really lifted my spirits. Gave me some hope for the future ... a future... any future. I don't really know. But she did! And I was furious with A last night.

Because she decided not to hang out with me today - even though we made plans before. Whatever ... right now its not really bothering me anymore, but at the time I was so pissed off - I was livid. I was swearing (all this in my head of course) and in a temper tantrum. I was thinking all sorts of nasty things and thinking generally like an asshole. But its all good now.

I had a great day with B, the Aquarium was fun and the sun came out. I had a really good lunch and I'm looking forward to dinner. I made plans to see C on Wednesday, and I'm excited about that too. I'm really looking forward to seeing C... She is really the cutest and nicest person I know. I could squeal and splurge like a girl and go through the details of why I feel this way - but this blog is already femmy enough.

So I'll just let you all know how excited I am, and that I'm not mad at A anymore. Man was I pissed off last night - I was all thinking to myself that I never wanted to talk to her again until I left or never or whatever. But I called her up, just talked to her for a bit, and let her go. Whether she wants to see me again, I'll leave up to her. Its fine if she does, its also fine if she doesn't.

It feels so good to be truly over someone that I spent so much time pining after. Aaah. I can breathe without restrictions.

*Pulls in a big breath*

*Breathes out*

Ok I dunno.

I dunno I dunno I dunno. Do I want to be with people, or do I want to be alone? What do I want. What the hell. I cannot figure myself out. I called (and woke up) like, I don't know - five people this morning, looking for someone to go eat breakfast with. Nobody wanted to get out of bed, so I cooked myself breakfast. I broke the yokes in my eggs and burned the sausages. I was not pleased or at all satisfied with my breakfast.

This weekend I ended up playing my computer almost the entire time. It is really quite insane - as if I have pulled myself away from society, retracted myself into a shell of my own creation and do not want to come out of it. But I do want to come out of it - or do I? I do not know. Grr. Who do I have feelings for? Anyone? Am I just lascivious? Do I just hunger for the pleasures of the flesh? What is my problem?

Fuck. I do not know what to think anymore. I do not know who I care about, or why I care about them, or if they care about me, and if they do, why they care about me, or anything about anything. The only thing I am sure about right now is.... Well nothing. Actually that's not right. I am sure about my degree. It is coming this month. I think. It better anyways. Goddamnit.

I do not know what to think about or say. Sometimes I feel like I love C with all my being and want to be with her more than anything. At other times, say after I've just talked to her, I feel like we couldn't be farther apart. I feel like we're nothing more than friends, and even as friends - just new friends. Only beginning to learn about each other.

That is actually quite right I think. We are quite new friends. I am afraid that the more she finds out about me, the less she will like me. I don't know why. I consider myself to be quite a crass and insensitive person. I am politically incorrect, a hypocrite, obnoxious and always "stirring the pot", so to speak. My pa always called me a "shit disturber" - and he's right. That's what I am. M says he's the biggest "asshole" around, but when we look at our real personalities at the core; I think I am a bigger asshole than he is. Sometimes I am such a fucking jerk I can hardly stand to be around myself.

Take my day with A on Friday for example. For some reason, I was a completely obnoxious asshole for the entire first half of it. When I looked at myself objectively, I was like, 'holy-shit; you're a fucker...' - I had to physically force myself to shutoff several times that day because I knew how much of an asshole I was being.

Why I was being an asshole in the first place - I don't really know. By the way, I saw S that day, an old friend from highschool. Used to be best friends with M - was kind of weird seeing him, now that we're older and "grown up". Anyways - back to my assholishness.

Why am I an asshole? Haha. I dunno. I wish I could answer that. I wish I could be nicer more. I should be nicer to A. I'm seeing her tomorrow, I hope I don't act like a retard. Whatever, I don't care anymore.

I don't know what she thinks about me, and I'm not sure what I should think about her. She's my ex. She's that girl - from the past, way back then, seven months ago, while I was still an undergrad and living at home. When I still had the security of the institution of school and a good job, and living at home. I was still a kid. I am still a kid - but I'm not secure in the institution of education anymore, nor am I living at home any longer. (I stare at my hollow room and my blank white walls.) Time is moving on, I am moving on. Has she grown? I cannot tell; I do not see who she really is behind all the smoke and mirrors.

What the hell is happening. I just want to disappear. I want to just fly away. Thank God that is what is happening. Thank God for GEOS. (By the way, they have a wicked Japanese website here, and a great international page here.) Thank God I am able to run away from all of life's problems and just embed myself in another institution of some kind.

This past weekend, I spent, probably a total of 12-16 hours playing on my computer. What the hell is wrong with me?! I think I just want to get away from people. I do not want to see anyone, or something. Maybe I am just a loser/loner/outcast. Who knows what my problem is. I had the opportunity to go see people twice today and I didn't. M came to me to help me out, and that was nice - but I didn't make a move to go see anyone. Except for in the morning when I called all those people and woke them up. (*Cringe*). I am pretty confused right now as to where people's feelings lie and what I feel for others.

I don't know. I feel like a recluse after this weekend. I can't wait to quit my job and just sit at home by myself for the next year. I wonder how much of an outcast I will be in Japan.

While all this shit is going on in my head, I am ultra busy. I'm going out with A and B tomorrow (B is from GEOS), and then maybe doing some stuff downtown to prepare for my departure. Hanging out with A while I do that. I have other stuff to do the day after tomorrow as well - including a dentist appointment and picking up my mom from the airport. ARG! I cannot wait until things settle down and I can start thinking things through at a slow and leisurely pace again. Or maybe I like the rush - the busy-ness.

I don't know. I am so full of angst. I feel like I'm 14 again. Oh to be 14 again. Where did my life go.

It's barely started, and its already over.

Garbage.

I feel like utter fucking garbage. I am sick, I am tired, I am busy, I am being pulled from all sides. Stretched too far out. A is friends with me again, but theres more than just "friendship" in her eyes. C wants to do things with me but I am always out with A. I want to see that look in C's eyes. Goddamnit. No time for anything or anyone. Dentist appointment, pick up mom, get Visa, get passport photos, go to potluck, go to work, call this person, do that thing, clean out room. Take down 30+ posters, pack everything into boxes, sort out CDs, etc etc etc.

Fuck. Times like these - make you really feel alive. Who knows what it is all about. Who cares.

Goddamnit. Seems like everytime I have time for myself everyone else is busy. Or I am too lazy to do something. Whatever. I want to go to sleep. So sick. So tired.


BLEH.

Making new friends I will probably never see again...

I hung out with a bunch of people from my "work" - the English teaching company I am doing pre-departure training with right now. A handful of them are actually really cool people. I really enjoy hanging out with them and they are a lot of fun to be around. If given more time, I could make some really good friends - but alas - they are leaving tomorrow for Japan. We have exchanged emails, but that probably will not go far.

I mentioned a "type" in the last post. Yeah - there is a "type". Either they have huge debts, or they are socially inept. They are outcasts who do not seem to have many - if any friends. I fit into that category - I do not have many friends at all. Only a few really good friends. I am not one of those people who has to split their attention between a load of people who all want their attention - I do not envy those people.

Anyways - the majority of them seem like people who do not have anything to leave behind. It is sad really; maybe that is why we all get along together so well. We all feel as if there is nothing for us here at home, thus moving to a new country is not as disturbing as it might be for others. I am leaving on May 24th - and I will be gone for more than a year. Who knows, if I really like it, I might sign on for a second year. C is not going to "wait" for me here, I do not think she is interested in me as a life partner at all, or even as a boyfriend. She would be the main thing pulling me back, but she does not really seem as interested in me anymore as she once was. Which is perfectly fine with me - just getting to know her, and having what attention she gives me is more than an honor in itself. I am not deserving; but she gives me attention anyways. I am honestly, one of the luckiest guys I know. Really, I am not fucking around - I truly believe that I am more fortunate than most around me - no matter what has happened in my life. I have received much more than I deserve from all the people around me, and I sincerely appreciate them all from the bottom of my heart.

It is just too bad I have to leave, and I am not able to stay here with them. But like I said, I am so fortunate to have known them in the first place, that leaving them will not be a sacrifice at all - it will just be an example of how things would be if I was not so lucky. (C would say "blessed"). So I will launch myself into a foreign country, and teach myself what real life is about - hopefully.

Yes, I will be here, through cyberspace for anyone who wants to contact me. I will always be writing, and I will constantly post. I love the people around me, and could not completely drop off the face of the planet to them all. Though sometimes I feel like I want to - but that is just being stupid and selfish. Someone who has all the good friends I have should never wish to be alone - that is just tempting fate. (Though I do not believe in fate, or "meant to be"). I will always be here for all of you - you have all given so much to me that I cannot imagine leaving everyone in the dark. I will try to keep you all entertained with peculiar stories of Japanese strangeness. I have the address to my new apartment - and also the layout. It is the size of a peanut. I will be living in the shell of a fucking nut.

Goddamn, its going to be a long year. Or not. Who knows what the future holds. Dare I let myself become excited for once? Dare I set myself up for devastating disappointment? We shall see, we shall see.

A glass of wine in her hand

There are millions of opportunities out there.

Millions of people all wandering in their own directions. Like the countless points of light in the night sky. All whirling and tumbling towards... where? Things are truly set in motion now, I have an apartment and an address and a class schedule. It is getting scary. I am also getting pretty damn good (if I may say so myself) at making lesson plans. I am really looking forward to teaching these kids. It will be a great time. (I am sure the "adult" and advanced classes will be fun too...)

Tumbling, whirling and flying at high speeds through oblivion, some in small groups, many alone. I have realised that there are a certain "type" of people who leave their home country and everything behind to go teach in Japan. I do not necessarily fit into this "type"; but I guess it will be a good experience for me anyways.

I wish I could stay here - I wish I could work here, I wish I could be with C. These things are so out of my reach though, the only thing these thoughts register as are fantasies. So is life, isn't it my friends. To quote Mick Jager; "You can't always get what you want - but if you try sometime - you just might find - you get what you nee-eed!"

I hope I get what I want one day. I wonder.

I wonder.

Es ist so schwer....

To see her again. But I can do it. She really makes a great friend, and is such a cheerful happy person when things are not weighing down on her mind. Extremely wonderful to be around when not stressed out or over-worried about things. *Sigh*. I know, deep down inside that I still love her. Seeing her today was so great - it was like seeing her again for the first time. We always talk together so fluently, and with such voracity. We have to stop ourselves from cutting each other off all the time. I am so happy to be her friend, and so happy that she wants to see me more now-a-days. I hope I have more time with her before I leave, and I hope that I can get my feelings for her straightened out before then as well. It would be interesting to know how she feels for me - she never told me that she did not want to date me specifically, just said that she did not want a relationship right now. But then, that is the less hurtful way of putting me aside. The whole, "not you - its me", bit. Though I must say (and I have said this before, time and time again) it is much easier to be dumped than to dump someone. I am awful glad I never had to break it off with her. I do not think I could ever do it. Anyways, she is still lovely as ever and makes me feel something inside me like no one else ever has.

On other fronts, (specifically "A") things seem to be looking up as well. Felt some tentative tendrils of friendship reaching out to me today and it made me feel pretty good. I am glad she feels strong enough to be my friend again, and hopefully we can build where we left off and really work things out this time. She is a great friend as well - we know each other inside and out (it seems), so it is great that there is the possibility of us being friends again.

Things are looking skyward - everything seems quite peachy. Also received some great information on where I most likely will be staying when I am living in Japan. I will live in a suburb outside of Kyoto, in a several-apartment-building complex. In this one complex of apartments there are usually a large group of NETs (Native English Teachers) and it sounds like its a party neighborhood all the time. So I think I will be making some great friends and having some good times. I am really starting to look forward to this move. Kyoto is the cultural capital of Japan, and was the political capital for more than a thousand years; much longer than Tokyo has been capital. It is a beautiful city to live in and it really makes me excited! There are supposedly pictures of my school up on the internet - I will go check them out and see what there is to see.

I am hoping the writing bug bites me again soon and I can post something creative; but things are just so busy right now. I have to completely empty out my room, (do you know how much of a task it is to clean out 22 years of debris!!?) do my pre-departure GEOS training, do the homework for it - start shopping for new clothes (losing 35 pounds has caused me to have practically nothing to wear on my legs) and take care of VISA application stuff. In addition to working my job and trying to take care of the house while my parents are gone. It is really insane right now. But there is always time for everything - right? Right.

Someone mentioned A.

I guess I should address her a bit here. I have some pretty deep feelings for her, as most of you probably know - but not like before. She stirs in me a nostalgia for the past. When I think of her, I think of being young, being silly and having no worries. She was one of the biggest reasons I enjoyed my time at university so much. She has a place in my mind and sentiments, but does not hold any influence over me anymore. I do not (... well, not often) long for what we had anymore. I feel the same unconditional love for her that I did 6 or 7 months ago, but it is not the same. She is just a friend to me now - someone like one of my other two best friends.

I am in need of good friends, so I wish we could hang out more. I really enjoy/miss her company. We got in kind of a fight about a month ago and have not really talked. She came by yesterday to drop something off (a game which she was going to return to my best friend herself, but soon she realized that she never talks or sees him, so brought it to me) and it was alright. She did not seem to miss me too much, and we were quite comfortable around each other. We did not talk about our little fight, (I had called her one night to let her know that she should have given me my best friend's game, so that I could give it to him, and she took offence because before I asked about the game, I tried to make small talk - asking her what she was doing, and how her night was going. She got angry that I was "just calling" for the game, and not to talk to her, but "pretended" to care about how her night was going anyways. I, on the other hand, actually was interested in what she was doing, and thought it rude to just call her up and abruptly ask her for the game - so I followed social protocol - making small talk. She took it as insincere, and "asked all her friends about it - and they agreed", so thought she was justified in being angry with me. Myself, I thought I was justified because I was just being polite. I am not a rude person).

We have not seen each other since then, and frankly she really made me angry. Therefore I just avoided her and tried not to talk to her. But while going through being left by my new girlfriend, I obviously started longing for situations from the past again. I silently forgave her, even though she did not consider herself to be in the wrong, and decided that I could talk to her again. My longing for situations of the past did not last long though - it was just a passing fancy. I can say with full confidence that I am completely over her and that I do not think we will ever be together again. She is closer than ever to her new boyfriend, and I wish them all the best.

So the story between A and I has wound down - become just another normal teen melodrama. I feel that I have grown a lot since last September (though it does not seem like much when I compare myself to people like my new-ex-girlfriend [we will call her "C" from now on]) and that I am a very different person than I was at this time last year. I have A to thank for that - she made a tough decision and stuck by it, and it has worked out for the best for both of us. I am happy with how things have gone for me, and really happy for her and new-boyfriend ("E").

I do not feel like I know her as well as I used to - and I want to get that feeling back again. I would love to hang out with you more A, you are a very special person to me and I would hate to just let our friendship fall apart over me being a stubborn asshole.

Anyways, maybe I can find the strength one day to actually say it to her directly rather than firing my thoughts off into cyberspace. Her and I made a great teenaged couple - I have no regrets over our relationship, and I have absolutely no hard feelings over what happened when we broke up. I am completely content and fully confident in myself.

Right now I feel like I could do anything. I am sitting on the verge of potential - looking out at the world like a giant ball of opportunity. I will strike at it as hard and as fast as possible, working hard to make my mark.

I do not know why I feel so full of confidence right now. It is strange that I have made the transition so quickly in turning C into a good friend instead of a lover. I am not sure what I want - just going with the flow, so to speak. I guess I only wish for the people around me to be happy, which they are. Best friend "M" is officially a boyfriend for the first time! Lucky guy! Go M! Hehe - he is as happy as can be, and I think we are becoming a little bit closer because of it. So things are peachy.

So far. We will see what happens between C and I in the coming weeks. I feel like I want something more to happen between us, but that is just a selfish fantasy. Hopefully A and I work out our differences and are able to spend more time together, even though we are both very busy.

I think I should do some more thinking about C and what I love about her and how I would be able to improve myself to make me a better "fit" for her. I truly believe she is worth it - she is the most wonderful person I have ever met - it is really too bad there are so many differences between us. Tumultuous times, or smooth sailing in the next three weeks? We will have to wait and see.

I look forward to seeing if either C or A decides to contact me, though I am not getting my hopes up. They are both really busy and do not seem to have the same interest in me that they once had. It is probably for the best. Right?

...Right.

Hmmm... Thinking a lot.

Is good for your head. It exercises it. I know to many of you I should seem heartbroken and completely devastated. I mean, the most wonderful person I have ever met decided that she "did not want to be in a relationship right now" and left me. (My own self-consciousness tells me that she does not think I am the right person for her - and that at this point in my life right now, I am not the kind of person she wants/needs.) My own self-consciousness aside, I can say with confidence that I am not feeling as bad as I probably should.

I think I can chalk it up to a few reasons. The main one being that I have been mentally and emotionally well-prepared for this separation for a long time. Not only my own preparation has gotten me ready for this, but her pushing me away as well. In the last week or two before she left for her retreat, we were not very close. I tried my hardest to be with her, and make her happy, but she (in her words) "avoided" me as much as she could. She held me at arm's lenght, so to speak. This treatment obviously made me feel as if she did not care for me as much as I cared for her, or that she did not care about me in the same way as she did when she first met me. So I have had the better part of a month to get used to the idea that she does not care about me as much as I initially thought.

It is probably really unfair to say she does not care about me as much as she used to - somewhere deep inside me I believe she does care about me as much, or more, than she did when we first met. She just shows it in different ways now. Instead of physcial affection or attention, she gives me intellectual. I cannot be sure that this is how our friendship will go in the next three weeks or so, but after our meeting on Friday I am confident that she trusts me a lot more than she trusts most of her friends. Thus I am inclined to believe she does care about me in a special way, but not as a boyfriend.

Which is all irrelevant anyhow, because I am leaving for Japan on the 24th anyways... Or does that make things irrelevant? I like to think of "us" in terms of "in the moment". I do not like to consider the fact that I am leaving an impediment to our relationship. If we really wanted it, we could make it work until the day I left. I know we could. Therefore, saying that I am going to leave is just a cop-out. Its just an excuse - something to tell people whom I do not want to talk to about the situation.

So yeah - we are apart because I am leaving to Japan. Satisfied?

Good.

So many transformations.

So many changes in character. What has been apparent to both of us for probably two or three weeks now is finally official. I am single again.

Feels emtpy being single. Like something is missing from me. I keep thinking and remembering all the good times and such. They are all gone for now though. Since October of last year, I have told myself to stop taking things for granted and to appreciate everything that I experience. Therefore, no matter how short our time was together, I will appreciate the time I spent with her. She was great girlfriend, someone whose memory will always bring a smile to my face. I will always have room in my heart for her. She deserves respect and love for the things she has gone through. She is the strongest person I know, and that is saying a lot.

Wonderful girl - you have finally put into words what we have left unspoken for so many weeks. Our time as a couple is up, but we make really good friends. I love and appreciate every moment given to me by you. Nothing will ever cause me to forget the many lessons you have taught me.

Here's to many long years of a wonderful friendship!

It is late. I must sleep a little.

zZzzZ.