Das Leben Ist Ein Kampf

Evil resides within the heart of man.

Evil resides within the core of me.

There is a serpent within me - and all of us. We may try to cleanse ourselves, but try as we might, the taint will always remain.

"Out, damned spot! out, I say!" says Lady Macbeth as she scrubs her hands after the murder of Duncan. I am sorry my friend, nothing will clean that stain. As Macbeth himself says, all the waters of the ocean shall instead be tainted red by the blood on his hands, rather than washing them clean.

Do I want to wash my stains clean? Do I want to be white and pure, through and through? No, I think not.

Human character is not built to exist in this form. Our personalities and selves are made up of several conflicting and, many times, contradicting forces. We are not perfect; striving towards perfection will only bring us ultimate failure and a constant feeling of deformity. Trying to fit ourselves into a form we are not made for is asking for trouble.

One of the last things I learned studying English was from Shakespeare. Through his characters, he taught me that people are complex beings. None of his characters were two dimensional, they all had conflicting and contradicting forces within them. That is what made his plays so vivid and alive - his characters were as vibrant (in many cases more) as real people!! They made mistakes, and were outright evil, while at the same time showing great examples of paternal love. Many people would see these contradictions in character as a flaw - as a bad character sketch; not staying true to types and conventions.

We should all take a lesson from Shakespeare, not in writing, but in character building. We are human beings - we should embrace who we are rather than fight against who someone else asks us to be. Since learning this, I have accepted and become content with the contradictions within my being. When someone calls me a hypocrite now I shoot back, "Damn rights!" Because it is true - we are all inherently contradictory and hypocritical. Strive as we might against it, it will always exist there within our personalities, whispering in our ears, hanging upside down over our shoulders.

I will not fight against the different forces within me - I will allow the forces without me to influence my personality as a whole, combining all the contradictions inside myself. This will make me a fuller, more complete person, confident in myself and happy with who I am. No more trying to stifle certain parts of me and amplify others; they will all shout out in a loud cacophony of noise - and I will remain my aggravating self.

The forces inside me are strong and many - which will come to the forefront next? What will happen to me? Where will my personality lead me?

I can only guess.

The darkness is finally coming.

I have been walking a razor's edge for so long now. Lost in the confusion around me. The contradictions. They will finally align themselves properly before me. Everything will be straightened out - and I will once again recede into the darkness of solitude.

That quiet darkness. That warm darkness - it feels like being immersed in blood. Or any thick heated to body temperature. It is deep and soft; all engulfing. I sink into it and forget about the world around me. Nothing exists except for me, and my little corner of darkness. I peek out once in a while to smile, and assure everyone that all is well, then I drop back again, in the numbing warmth of apathy.

There is no wind, no sun and no stars. The darkness is thick, and I feel as though I could play with it in my hands if I tried. I remove myself from me, rocketing upwards, like a geyser in the pitch blackness, and suddenly come to a stop above myself. I hang suspended in the dark, looking down at me in the three dimensional corner I have built for myself. Enveloped in darkness I watch myself. I hang face-down, arms above my head, legs bent slightly - much like as if I was floating in water, except I am in the air.

I push myself down some, coming closer to my hanging head. I look at my suspended self; I am dressed all in black. I look to my outstretched arms. My hands are cloven hoofs. Why does this not surprise me; I suspect my feet are cloven hoofs under my shoes as well. If I had a mirror, I would see horns poking from my head. I look down at myself and creep ever closer.

I move forward, and hang my head down as far as it can go, so that my face is suspended upside-down behind my head. I hold my breath, then hiss - "You are not alone in this darkness...."

The me in the corner is not startled, seems unaffected. I flick my forked tongue out between my thin lips and touch his ear.

His hand shoots up in the blink of an eye, and I feel his fingers tightening around my throat. I struggle in the air, arms whirling, feet flailing, trying to pull back as hard as I can. The head slowly rises. It inches up and up ever so slightly. Finally his neck is craned all the way back and his white pupil-less eyes are locked with mine. He opens his mouth wide, and suddenly his eyes are lit like beacons. The darkness is cut by these blades of light shining from his white eyes, and I am blinded; my hoofs vainly trying to protect my face.

The fingers start squeezing. I cannot breathe - my body begins to go limp.

Suddenly he lets go, and the light from his eyes is dead. I float up and away from this daemon in his corner. I wait a moment in the nothingness around me - and then plummet down once again. I drop into my figure with a shock. His back straightens, and he sits up straight for a moment.

I then let out a long, relaxing sigh, and return to hugging my knees with my head bowed between them again.


The darkness has never been so quiet.

Thursday is coming.

She is coming. When Thursday gets here all will fall apart. *Sigh*

It was too good to be true anyways. She is exactly what I want and need, but I have nothing to offer. What can I say ... I can always go back to the "well I'm leaving anyways" excuse. But we all know that it is not about that.

Well, the dream is almost over - but thats alright. I am probably one the luckiest people in the world; for what I have experienced, and the people (especially her) who have taken a genuine interest in me, and given me their time and affection. So I have been given more than I deserve (much more), therefore I should be happy for what I have experienced so far. Which I am. I am completely content.

On the phone the other night I said; "If I were to die tonight - I'd be completely happy."




And it's true.

So.. What Happens Now?

"I'm so glad I met you..." I hear... But I also hear other things. I am pretty much assured of my fears. It is pretty much finished with. It was something that felt right - but was not justified or legitimizing by any intellectual backing. There was no reason for it. There was no purpose to our togetherness. It was just a "blind love".

And that is wrong because each of us has a purpose in this life that we have to fulfill. We were all set on a path, and we have to follow that path, and the people we include in our lives, the things we do - all should be done according to our path and purpose. Therefore I am a deviation from the path and purpose. I do not have a purpose, or a reasoning to exist. There is no need for me; and all I do is cause her to stray away from her path. We all must strive towards our place, and everything we do must be part of the grand scheme. This is why we are wrong.

Forget about what we feel and what we share. Forget about any passion or anything that does not follow a strict sense of logic and common sense which drives us towards a single goal. (Whatever that goal may be, undefined as it is in the far-flung future). Everything must be planned out in a strict and formulaic manner. It is a way of life.

What is this life about anyways? I answered that for myself maybe four or five years ago. Living without coming to an understanding of why you are living is very hollow. I believe we live for each other - that people depend on one another, me for you, and you for me. I am here for my friends and family. I am here so that they can come to me and they can be helped by me. I am here to put a smile on their faces and to give advice, or a different perspective. I am here for all of you. That is my purpose. If the people around me did not exist; if nobody knew me and I lived only for myself - I might as well be dead. This is why I am here, for others - and others are here for me as well. We are all in this together - we depend on one another and interact with each other in this act we call life. I firmly believe this.

Since my "purpose" in life has to do with the people around me, I am quite the hypocrite - taking off to Japan and running away. Ignoring one of my best friends and not humbling myself enough to make peace with her. I am full of contradictions - but we all are full of contradictions. I have embraced my hypocrisy because it is impossible to live without it. I do not believe that anybody is perfect, or can achieve perfection - according to whatever definition of perfection you adhere to. We may strive for it - so as long as we are trying our hardest, and not outright evil, we can be proud of ourselves. We do not have to get down on ourselves when we find we do not live up to someone else's perspective of what is "right" and what is "wrong", "good" or "bad".

We can plan our lives out according to what we think we want, but things will always get screwed up. Things always go where we do not expect them to - and that is one of the most exciting things about life. Spontaneity and unexpected occurrences are what make life so exciting and wonderful. I wish she was more compatible with me, I wish she felt like I did about things... But I guess I just cannot fit into her "plan".

Which is fine. I hope she finds someone who fits her purpose or whatever. (God, I sound bitter...) I am not bitter. I am not angry. I am just happy to have had the opportunity and pleasure of meeting this wonderful person who has expanded my mind and thinking in so many ways. She has caused me to think about my life from a different perspective. She has taught me to look at my life from behind it - from the end of it and back towards where I am right now; instead of looking from where I am now towards the end. It has taught me a lot about myself and what I want from life, and even given me some ideas for what I want to accomplish. She has helped me solidify my own views and opinions about life and why we are here, where we are going - what our purposes are. Things are much clearer now that I have known her.

She is a wonderful person and a great role-model. It is too bad she does not think the same thing about me.

I should not say that - I am being unfair. It is me who is leaving. (Though as I have said earlier [and confirmed, I think...] if I was not leaving things would not be much different). It is me who is providing the catalyst for separation.

So what now? I have a clearer view on my life, and what kind of partner I want to share it with. I know what kind of person I want to be with, and she has influenced my opinions on women in general very deeply. I think she has set the bar for future partners extremely high, and I wonder if I will ever be able to find someone who serves as a better model than she does. Only waiting life out, and living it to its fullest will be able to answer that question. Time is moving on, people are moving on, emotions are moving on.

She is moving on.

But I am going to stay put.

Frustration. Determination. Love.

What am I going to do with myself? I took a long walk today. Around the seawall - there is construction there, and I jumped the fence, therefore I had it all pretty much to myself. It was a great experience. I did a lot of thinking. I thought; 'What would things be like if I was not leaving? Would they be any different?' I want to answer - 'YES - They would be completely different!!' But there is a voice inside me somewhere whispering - 'No - the path she is choosing is inevitable.'

I want to believe that she loves me. I want her to accept my love in return. But I do not think it is meant to be. (Not now anyways). She is pushing herself further and further away from me; the feeling is so strong I can feel it, like two hands against my chest holding me back. I keep leaning forward and pushing with my feet, but the barrier she has erected is impenetrable. She is strong - much stronger than me. There is nothing I can do to change the past, or the future, and I feel that the paths we have been set to walk on are completely pre-determined, and cannot be deviated from. It feels like there is nothing I can do to break down her defenses and feel the flow of her love once again.

If it is there at all. I wish, hope and pray that it is still there somewhere inside her. I hope that she is missing me as much as I am missing her. I hope that she is thinking about me as much as I am thinking about her. If not, I am honestly going to start losing faith in women. If her feelings are not genuine (which I doubt, and sincerely hope is false), I will honestly stop trusting girls.

Nobody can be more sincere and giving than her. She is honest, open and completely selfless. She loves and loves and loves until there is nothing more to give. Therefore, if she of all people, engaged in the relationship she did with me, while being insincere about her feelings for me - I will absolutely not trust the next girl who comes into my life.

Fool me once - shame on me. Fool me twice - shame on me. (311).

That is how it will be. Twice fooled by promises of love by women. Twice made to feel as if I meant something significant to her, and then left to the wayside. Twice fallen to the power of female affection. When will I learn? Are all women shells who can turn on the "love" by force of will? What is happening in her head....

I wonder. What was happening in her head when we were caught up in the flurry of a new relationship. We were moving so fast. Lightspeed. I was not sure what type of person she was; Now I do know what kind of person she is - but there are still many questions in my mind. Contradictions in her personality. What do they all mean?

I accuse myself constantly of over-analyzing. Maybe this is one of those times. It is just that the more time that goes by without me hearing from her - the farther away she feels from me. I do not even know if she will call me when she gets back. Does she have to? No. She does not. I would not be surprised in the least to find that she came home early and just has not called me yet. Is that disturbing? Should that tell me something?

I keep waiting for her call. I keep waiting to hear from her - waiting for her to tell me everything. Waiting for her to set my universe clear again. Waiting for her to set the contradictions straight. Will it happen?

At all hours of the night and day - I watch my phone - waiting.

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*sigh*

Today I am content. *Breathe in*

I made someone who would have otherwise been sad; happy. *Breathe out*


It gives you a feeling of inner peace and satisfaction. All I had to do was be there with someone; and she was pleased in an otherwise pretty bad situation. I felt bad for her - for what she was doing to herself, why she felt the need to do it, and for why she was sad. I am glad I was there to put a smile on her face. It really made me feel good inside, even though it really was not my type of "activity".

That feeling is a great feeling. Doing something for someone else; making their life brighter and their day happier, and .... all-around sunnier. I understand her better now. Why she is so selfless and giving. She is so full of love - so good. At first it caught me off guard; but as I thought about it, I realized that this was the best way to be happy yourself.

Yes - money is important. Yes - your own needs and selfish wants should be attended to - but they are not what you should base your life on. If you base your life on things, you will feel hollow at the end of it all - whether you have all the things you want or not. That feeling of fullness, glowing, pulsating, warming fullness - only comes from within. From your own sincere sharing of yourself with others.


I understand her a little more now. I love her a little more now. Yet there is such contradiction there. I ... do not know what to think. I know it is hard - I know I am leaving. I know time is short. I know she is right.

But we have shared so much already. I have given a large piece of myself to her; and hopefully she has held onto it. I know I have changed tremendously under her influence. And I love it. I love who I am becoming under her mentorship; yet it is all slipping through my fingers.

She is pushing me away. She has been since that one day a couple weeks back - when we were closer than we have ever been. She was able to make me feel so loved - like the most important person in the world. Like an important person. But since then, even though she has not put it into words, her body language has said differently.

I am very quickly integrating her into my being.... body, mind and soul. She is rejecting it with all her strength. I understand her sentiments - I might feel the same way if our roles were switched. But, being someone who still has a lot of growing to do, I have selfish wants.

I hope one day I can let go of the child inside me - let go of his petulant cries for attention. I hope I can push that aside; and only live for other people - filling myself up with that feeling of contentment. Filling myself up with the feeling of having made a person's day... hour... minute... second; better.

I wish for so many things. I want for so many things to come true. When will I learn to cope with the bitterness and resentfulness inside me? When will I be able to forget about all those who hurt people... and me. How will I be able to forget someone who has expanded my mind so drastically?

Why am I thinking of forgetting her?


"Hmm. How about we go to the SPCA?"
"Sure. Sounds good - heehee - kitties!"

Spinning colors behind closed eyes. Emotions flutter like leaves in the wind - each one a distinct color. Each one a distinct leaf.

A boy and a girl in a green car. The speakers blaring tinny music. He sings without a care in the world, the wind from the open window grabbing his words and flinging them into space.

He knows she cares. He hears the words; he sees the signs. Yet he feels abandoned, alone and forgotten.

The seagull soars on the wind. Striving ever higher - rising above the clouds. Its wings outstretched, it looks down the path it has followed - remembering each bit of the way. Higher and higher the seagull flies - higher and farther than any seagull has ever flown.

The seagull is all alone.


Where is the seagull going? What is he running away from?



Why is he striving so hard to go further; to go higher -- to get away....?

The seagull does not know - how should he. He's just a simple seagull.

My grandfather used to say that all the time (Das leben ist ein kampf). It means, "Life - is a constant struggle" (well, that is what he meant by it anyways). I will quote him properly when I find out his name from my dad. Its really sad that I do not know my own Grandfather's full name. I do not know much about my family history. I am proud of my German and Chinese heritage - but I know practically nothing of it. (I know what we all learn in history books - so you know what I mean).

What I do know is that he was born in the year 1900; and died in 1983. I think it was '83. I cannot be completely sure - I was born in 1982, so that is my excuse. Not much of one.

I named this blog after his saying because it captures the essense of where my life is at right now, and probably will be for its duration. It is a struggle. I am constantly battling uphill against the different things life throws at all of us. People spend their entire lives searching for "the meaning of life" - is not that what we are doing? Searching for meaning in our lives? Many of us have grown up in different societies, and therefore have inherited different sets of value systems. Each culture thinks it has the right answer to life's question - and we are (practically) given no choice but to conform to our environment.

So what am I conforming to? Let me go through a quick run-down of Western-American cultural institutions. We are born - most of us baptized at birth, our religious beliefs chosen for us before we can control our bowels - let alone our minds. We are sent to school, to get a "proper" education. We are taught what our government thinks necessary for children to learn. Reading, writing, arithmetic and the sciences. I was sent to a private school because my parents thought an education which included religious studies was important. From the beginning we subscribe to the belief systems of our parents - before we even know what is real and what is imaginary. We go through the school system. Once we graduate from high-school, we are suddenly "full members of society". Able to function on our own, and provide subsistence for ourselves. Yeah right. Many of the people I graduated with can hardly write, let alone do long division. (Which I cannot do myself).

What I am saying is, our North American school system has become less an educational institution and more a baby-sitting facility. Kids are put there until they are 18, and legally "adults". They are pushed "under the rug" so to speak; out of sight, until they are old enough to demand attention. Then they are allowed into society and join the struggle with the rest of us. Why do I say "struggle"? Our society is a capitalist society - based upon competition. Social Darwinism defines it as "Survival of the fittest". People have re-named this many times in the twentieth century, but its fundamental meaning stays the same. Cut-throat capitalism.

For those of us fortunate enough to beguiling the secondary school system into believing we are somewhat more intelligent than the majority, and that we deserve post-secondary education - its on to university! What is university? Well its what highschool should be. We come out of university with a fancy diploma. Suddenly, we are more worthy and intelligent than we were four years ago! How does this work? Its all about institutions and traditions.

Why am I so dissolusioned with the whole thing? I have just graduated from Simon Fraser University. I feel smarter. I feel wiser. I feel like I am something more than your average person without a university degree. Hah! What a farce! Am I anything more than any other person on this planet?! Am I worth more than the homeless man on the street? (Would you allow one other random person on the planet to die if it meant your life would be spared?) Our society would tell you "yes". Because everything is given a value - everything has worth. To get "ahead" in this world, we have to "work hard" and "be persistant". What does this mean? We have to intergrate into the system. We have to provide a service that someone else wants. We have to work for someone.

This leads us to finding a job. When out of school, we are sent out in the world to offer our services to anyone who will pay for them. (Stress the word pay). So there we are, sitting in a suit and tie, across from a person with an insincere smile on their face. You just wish they would stop smiling for the sake of smiling, and wonder what it will be like working here with all these fake plastic people. As you walk out of the interview, and look at the other people in the office; some gathered around the watercooler, others speaking to each other over their cubicle dividers, you realize that the next twenty years of your life are going to be monotonous.

You are driving in your car - home from the interview. The sun reflects off of buildings seemingly constructed completely from glass. Money faces you everywhere in this world. How to survive without money? How to be happy without money? Our self-worth has been reduced to the size of our bank accounts. When did this happen? When did life become such a repeating, monotonous rote task? And why is it such a struggle?

I work a graveyard shift, because it pays me good money, and it (should be) is unobtrusive. Driving home one day, I realized that all I have done with my life, leading up to this day, does not add up to much. I do not know how to go about rating my self worth. Thus I refuse to - I will be happy with who I am and what I have done from this day forth.

If my time is up today, and this is my final day on earth, so be it. That will be that. I will be satisfied with what I have done, and not wishful of a few more years. Not only satisfied, I will be appreciative. I realised that day, that I was fully ready and prepared to die. I was happy with what I had done, and that is all I need.

Is this positive? Is this negative? Am I crazy? Life is a struggle. I will continue struggling as long as there is breath in me, but if that breath is stolen from me, I will have no option but to lay down and be done with it. I do not want to go with a regretting and unhappy mind. (Yes - this is morbid thinking. But really people; any of us can die any moment of any day. All it takes is the right pattern of events; and our lives can all be snuffed out immediately - no matter what we are doing or where we are.)

I look at the sun reflecting off the building, that symbol of corporate ideology. I see the world shining down upon the ugly way in which we, as a people, have chosen to interpret life. I shake my head.

And struggle on.

I woke up today prepared to die.